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The Big Shot (transcript)

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{Theme plays}

{An establishing shot of Ren and Stimpy's mobile home in the daytime is shown. It fades to a shot of Ren relaxing on the couch with five o'clock shadow on his face}

Ren: Man, this is the life. No one to fuss over me, no one to tell me what to do. {He scratches his back} Why, I haven't bathed in three weeks! {The camera pans back to show the living room is a mess} Hm... I wonder if there's any Chinese food left in the fridge.

{Ren walks into the kitchen, which is just as filthy as the living room. Broken glass sound effects play occasionally with each step he takes. Ren stops in front of Stimpy's mouse and stares at it}

Ren: {batting the mouse} Stimpy's... catnip mouse.

{Ren realizes what he's doing and gets angry. He punches the mouse away and keeps walking, then steps in something squishy and grimaces. He angrily picks up a hairball, then his face softens and tears brim in his eyes. He faces the audience}

Ren: {choking back tears} It's... Stimpy's... hairball. {He stuffs the hairball into a pouch in his stomach like a kangaroo} Ah, mem-or-ies! I wonder what the old boy is doing right now.

{The scene fades to a shot of Huge Market at night with two spotlights shining outside. A news van is parked in the front and a crowd of people look in through the windows. It cuts to a pair of hands holding a clapperboard with "Gritty Kitty Commercial. Take #3" written on it}

Clapper Holder: Gritty Kitty Commercial, take three.

{The clapper holder snaps the clapperboard. Stimpy is shown wearing a suit, holding a microphone and standing next to a table with a sign saying "FREE SAMPLE." A tower of Gritty Kitty Litter bags is in the background}

Stimpy: Ladies and gentlemen, we're here at your local supermarket to demonstrate the absorbancy of Gritty Kitty Litter!

Voice on intercom: Clean up on Isle Seven, please. Clean up on Isle Seven. {A cash register rings offscreen

Stimpy: Now before we start the test, I'd like you to meet someone. {He looks around, then spots someone offscreen} Excuse me, sir, could you come here for a second? Don't be shy, sir, it's just a television camera. {Mr. Horse walks up} Tell me Mr. Horse, are you a professional actor?

Mr. Horse: No sir, I am a real horse!

Stimpy: Thank you. Would you mind stepping over to our isolation booth?

Mr. Horse: Not at all!

{Stimpy and Mr. Horse walk over to a curtained booth with two litterboxes inside, labeled "A" and "B" respectively}

Stimpy: Now ladies and gentlemen, of course we don't expect you to subject your kitty litter to this kind of severe test. But we're out to prove a point! {A close-up of the litterboxes} Now we have here two cat boxes: one filled with the popular name brand litter, and the other filled with Gritty Kitty. Are you ready for the test, Mr. Horse?

Mr. Horse: Yes sir, I am.

{Mr. Horse steps inside the booth and pulls the curtains shut. A zipper is heard being pulled}

Stimpy: While Mr. Horse does his duty, let me remind you that Gritty Kitty also makes an excellent casserole, for when those unexpected guests show up! {A bell rings} Ah, there's the bell! {An electronic sound effect plays} Mr. Horse, are you ready?

{Mr. Horse comes out holding the two litterboxes}

Mr. Horse: Yes, I am!

Stimpy: Would you please take a sniff of Cat Box A?

{Mr. Horse smells the litter in Cat Box A and wrinkles his nose}

Stimpy: And what are your feelings about that, Mr. Horse?

Mr. Horse: No sir, I don't like it.

Stimpy: Now woud you try Box B?

{Mr. Horse smells the litter in Cat Box B (accidentally Cat Box A again) and pulls a bewildered face}

Mr. Horse: Why, I don't believe it! I can't smell a thing! 

Stimpy: Well friends, there you have it! If Gritty Kitty can do that for a horse, think of what it can do for your home!

Mr. Horse: Wait 'til I tell the missus about this!

Stimpy: {holding a bag of Gritty Kitty Litter with his face on it} So make sure you use Gritty Kitty. Just look for me on the label!

{It fades to a shot of the mobile home at night. Ren lies in bed wearing his nightcap and glares at his picture of Stimpy on the nightstand. He turns off the light and rolls over onto his side away from the picture. He looks over the the right in shock and his nightcap springs up. Stimpy's side of the bed has an outline of him on the pillow and blanket. Ren walks into the living room with his pillow to sleep there instead. He sets his pillow down on the couch and it sags to look like a face. Ren doesn't notice and lies down. The pillow sprouts a nose like Stimpy's and slumps down onto Ren}

Ren: Goodnight, Stimpy. {He springs back in fright, his eyes bugging out} AAARRRGHHH! YOU'RE HAUNTING ME!!!    

{Ren falls over backwards in a faint. The pillow faces the audience}

Pillow: {echoing} He's talking to pillows!

{It cuts to an establishing shot of Hollywood. Two women in bathing suits sit in sun chairs by a pool}

Woman 1: {waving to someone offscreen} Ooh, isn't that Stimpy, the famous Hollywood cat? Oh my gosh, he's looking at me!

Woman 2: Don't be silly, he's looking at me!

{Stimpy is shown standing on top of a high diving board wearing a leopard print speedo}

Woman 2: Ooh, what a hunk!

Woman 1: Look at that manly physique!

{Stimpy does a belly flop into the pool, which is revealed to be filled with Gritty Kitty litter. Stimpy sinks into it, then sufaces spitting out some litter. He does the backstroke all the way around the pool. The scene fades to another shot of the mobile home at night. Ren sits in an armchair with the TV remote}

Ren: I'll watch some TV. It'll help me to {He looks crazy} RELAX!

{Ren presses a button on the remote. A Western show comes on featuring Stimpy dressed as a cowboy. Gunshots are heard in the background}

Announcer: Join us now for "Marshall Stimpy."

{Ren angrily changes the channel. A title card for "Stimpy the Jungle Boy" appears. Stimpy is shown in a loincloth and swinging from a vine to avoid a crocodile}

Announcer: It's time for "Stimpy the Jungle Boy!"

{Ren changes the channel again. A black and white title card of "I Love Stimpy" appears. Ren, hiding under the chair's cushion, changes the channel again. A title card of "Sergeant Stimpy of the Klondike" appears. Stimpy is dressed as a Mountie and riding a bear horseback}

Announcer: "Sergeant Stimpy of the Klondike!"

{Ren, lying upside-down, changes the channel again. A title card for "Ask Dr. Stupid" appears}

Announcer: "Ask Dr. Stupid."

{Stimpy is shown in a lab working on an experiment. Ren is now lying in front of the TV looking insane as Stimpy peers down at him from the TV screen. Ren changes the channel with his foot. A title card for the "Stimpy & Muddy Show" appears. Muddy Mudskipper, wearing a park ranger hat, chases Stimpy, wearing a Yogi Bear collar, through a forest. They run in a similar manner to those in a Hanna-Barbera cartoon}

Muddy Mudskipper: Get your hand outta that pic-a-nic basket, you dusty old cat! {He breaks character and whispers to Stimpy} Psst! Hey kid, say your line!

Stimpy: O-oh yeah. {He starts spouting random lines} Jane! Stop this crazy thing! Well, blow me down! I'm huntin' for a wabbit! I hate me-self to pieces!!!

{Muddy Mudskipper looks confused. The screen irises in on them as canned laughter plays. The title card for "Stimpy & Muddy Show appears again with "The End" also written at the top. It cuts to the backstage of the show}

Muddy Mudskipper: Hey kid, you did all right! {He gives Stimpy an "O.K" hand gesture} Ya lousy bum. {Stimpy sits on a stool looking depressed} Well, what's the matter? {Stimpy whimpers} Hey kid, I don't get it. You got it made! You got forty-seven million dollars. You got my TV contract. What more could you possibly want?

Stimpy: {sobbing} I WANT REN!

{Stimpy sobs even harder. It cuts to Ren hugging a bag of Gritty Kitty litter with Stimpy on it and sadly rocking back and forth}

Ren: {forlornly singing} Who's the greatest mudskipper of them all?

{The doorbell rings. Ren walks over to the door, depressed, and turns the handle. He opens the door and looks surprised, rubbing his eyes in disbelief. Stimpy stands at the door dressed as a hobo and carrying a knapsack}

Ren: {tears in his eyes} Pal?

Stimpy: {shyly} Buddy? 

{Ren blinks and his tears fall to the floor. Then he springs up in excitement, arms outstretched}

Ren: PAL!

Stimpy: {arms outstretched} BUDDY!

{Ren and Stimpy hug each other}

Ren: What did you do with all your money?

Stimpy: I gave it all away.

Ren: For... for me? 

Stimpy: For you! 

{Ren smiles, then looks bewildered as he realizes what Stimpy said. He pulls away looking outraged}

Ren: {angrily} You gave away FORTY-SEVEN MILLION DOLLARS?!?!? {He quivers with rage as Stimpy smiles} YOU! {He slaps Stimpy} You fat, bloated eediot! {He slaps him again, harder} You... woooorm! {He slaps him even harder and Stimpy's head twists} You... you stupid...!

{Stimpy keeps smiling with each slap. Ren slaps Stimpy again and grumbles, too angry for words. Stimpy turns to the audience and winks. The screen irises out on his face}  

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