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Terminal Stimpy (transcript)

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{Open in on a shot of Ren and Stimpy's house, a giant barrel}

{Fade to inside the house; Ren is reading the morning paper while Stimpy crawls into the scene groaning while looking groggy and disheveled}

Stimpy: What a night. I feel like I got hit by a bus.

Ren: Funny you should say that. According to the obituaries, you were.

{Cut to a picture of Stimpy in the paper's obituaries with the headline "STIMPLETON CADOGEN HIT BY BUS!!!"}

{Wipe transition to Stimpy going through the fridge with Ren next to him}

Ren: You know, you ougta be more careful. All this dying might be bad for your health.

Stimpy: {with a frozen chicken strapped to his head} Not to worry, Ren. I'm a cat. I got nine lives. {holds up three fingers}

Ren: Nine, huh? You've been keeping count.

Stimpy: Hmm...Good question. Let's see now. There was that really cold night when I...fell asleep under the hood of your car!

{Cut to a flashback. Stimpy is sleeping and shivering by the motor in Ren's car. We hear the car doors opening and closing. We then cut to Ren outside turning on the ignition. The car starts and we hear a cat screech as Stimpy's fur flies out of the hood. We cut back to Ren and Stimpy in the present}

Stimpy: Then, there was that silly incident down Mexico way.

{Cut to another flash back. We see a Mexican bandito tied up on the firing line. A Mexican general gives a command}

General: Ready...

{The wind blows the bandito's sombrero off of his head. It lands on the ground by Ren and Stimpy, who are wearing Hawaiian shirts and taking pictures. Stimpy notices the sombrero at his feet.}

General: {Offscreen} Aim...

{Stimpy picks up the sombrero and runs offscreen}

Stimpy: Señor, uh, you dropped your el hatto! I'll get it for ya!

General: {Offscreen} FIRE!

{Ren's eyes pop open. He looks back as a hail of gunfire is heard from offscreen. Ren looks back shocked, then smiles and takes a photograph. The flash illuminates the screen to reveal a photo of Stimpy and the bandito smiling and covered in bullet holes. Cut to Ren and Stimpy looking through a photo album.}

Stimpy: Oh, here's one. Remember that time I got hit by lightning?

{Cut to a picture of Stimpy burnt to a crip while golfing with Ren.}

Ren: How 'bout that time you took care of those gambling debts for me?

{Pan down to a photo of Stimpy at the bottom of the ocean wearing not only concerete boots, but a concrete coat, hat and umbrella.}

Stimpy: And don't forget our trip to the Amazon.

{Pan down to a photo of Ren and Stimpy in the Amazon, with Stimpy having been consumed by a python.}

Ren: Oh yeah, and that day you went out with the weat hair during the blizzard of '69.

{Cut to a flashback. Stimpy steps out of the shower and walks outisde into the cold. He walks out into the street and gets hit by a bus. Cut back to the present.}

Stimpy: So let's see. That makes...Um...Hmm...{thinks}...Sixty-twelve!

Ren: That's seven, you fathead.

Stimpy: Yeah, seven. {laughs}

Ren: Well, I got news for you, pal. You've only got two lives left. And if you buy the farm, that means I gotta do all the chores. We don't want that now, do we? {Stimpy blinks his eyes} Now be an imbecile and go light the furnace so I can take my bath.

{Stimpy goes down into the basement and sees the heater with a sign on it reading "DANGER". He tries with all his might to twist the valve on a pipe, but he can't move it.}

Stimpy: Ah, valve's stuck. {holds up a pipe wrench} This oughta do it. {repeatedly bangs on the pipe with the wrench until it is all bent up and gas is leaking out of it} Ahh, that's better.

{Stimpy lights a match up toward the heater as gas begins filing the room. Dramatic music plays, implying that Stimpy will bet blown up by the gas leak. Suddenly, what appears to be a large rock falls from above and crushes Stimpy. Cut to an airplane flying through the air. Cut to inside the plane, where the sign outisd ethe lavatory changes from "Occupied" to "Vacant". Mr. Horse walks out of the lavatory dressed in a pilot uniform.}

Mr. Horse: Man, this airline food goes right through you.

{Mr. Horse walks out of the frame. Cut back to Stimpy, still crushed under the "rock". Ren pokes his head into the frame, wearing a shower cap.}

Ren: Well, that's eight. You only got one life left.

{Ren moves his head out of the frame. Crossfade to a shot of Stimpy on the couch, his eyes filled with tears.}

Stimpy: {thinking} Only one life to live. What have I got left? Eighty, ninety years?

{Cut to a wider shot to reveal that Stimpy had covered the furniture with paper and plastic coverings.}

Stimpy: {thinking; fearful} I gotta be careful. Sudden, instant death lurks around every corner. Germs, bacteria, buses, pink chicken, ex-girlfriends.

{Stimpy walks through the living room wearing a helmet. He's laying out tissues on the floor for him to step on. He continues into the kitchen, where he is shocked by a horrifying sight.}

Stimpy: REN!!!

{Pan across the messy kitchen to reveal that Ren is sitting on top of the garbage can eating a dirty sandwich. Stimpy runs up to Ren.}

Stimpy: What are you trying to do?! You can't eat out of the trash, there's germs everywhere! I could get a DISEASE!

Ren: What are you talking about? This sandwich is fresh. I just made it last week.

{Cut to a detailed closeup of the sandwich. Several bugs are crawling around it was disgusting goop emerges from between the bread. Stimpy is terrified.}

Ren: {crushes the sandwich} Get a grip, man. Everyone has to cash in their chips sooner or later. You've just got to learn to accept it.

{The words "Accept it" repeat in Stimpy's mind as he cowers fearfully. The camera zooms in on his face dramatically. Suddenly, the scene cuts to a title card reading "The 5 Stages to Acceptance".}

Narrator: The five stages to acceptance.

{Cut to a title card reading "ANGER".}

Narrator: Anger...

{Fade to a scene of Stimpy in maid's garb serving Ren breakfast.}

Stimpy: Top of the mornin', old paint.

Ren: {looks down at his plate} Hey, uh, Stimpy, you forgot my toast.

Stimpy: {suddenly angry} TOAST?!?!?! {rubs the toast in Ren's face} HERE'S YOUR TOAST!!!!! {suddenly cheerful again} How do you like your coffee, Ren?

Ren: {nervous and traumatized} B-B-B-B...Blaaaaack?

{Cut to a title card reading "DENIAL".}

Narrator: Denial...

{Fade to Stimpy picking petals off of a flower in a meadow, in a manner similar to "He loves me/not".}

Stimpy: I am not dying, I am not going to die. I am not dying, I am not going to die. I am not dying, I am not going to die.

{Cut to a title card reading "BARGAINING".}

Narrator: Bargaining...

{Instead of what you'd expect, the scene fades to Stimpy bargaining on furniture with Ren. He is looking over payments on a calculator}

Ren: {excited} Come on, man! What do I get?! What do I get?!

Stimpy: Well, Ren, you get the armoire, ottoman, hassock, curio cabinet, the duvet, the divan, the davenport and the heppelwhite.

{Ren's eyes go wide}

Ren: Wait a minute, what about the chifferobe?

{Panto a shot of the chifferobe, then cut back to Ren and Stimpy}

Stimpy: Well, if you want the chifferobe, you have to trade me the hassock and the ottoman for it.

Ren: {jumps onto the table} What do you mean, man?! I called dibs on the cifferobe!

Stimpy: Hmm...Tell you what. How 'bout you give me the armoire, the heppelwhite and twelve bucks?

Ren: Twelve bucks? How 'bout I give you the arm-wad, the heppel-wipe and a shot in the mouth?!

Stimpy: Deal!

{Cut to a title card reading "DEPRESSION".}

Narrator: Depression...

{Cut to a depressed Stimpy slowly walking through the city in the rain. The scene then fades to Stimpy drunk on milk at Daisy's Milk Bar.}

Stimpy: {slurred} Hey, Daisy, pour me a double buttermilk with a chocolate chase in it? And be quick about it. Hey, milk-keep!

Cow: haven't you had enouigh?! Moo.

Stimpy: Come on, be a pal.

Cow: All right! All right! Just quit whining! Moo. {walks out of the scene}

Stimpy: Yeah. and leave the bag!

{The cow places his udder on the bar. Cut to a title card reading "ACCEPTANCE."}

Narrator: Acceptance.

{Fade to Stimpy walking though the side of the road at sunrise. He hears a loud crash offscreen and sees that a care has crashed into a tree. Muddy Mudskipper is the driver and is groaning in pain.}

Stimpy: Mister, are you okay?

Muddy: I'm dyin', you idiot.

{Stimpy picks Muddy up.}

Stimpy: Hold on, little buddy. You're gonna be just fine. SOMEBODY CALL A DOCTOR!

Muddy: Hey, kid...Do me a favor. {holds up a picture of a gorilla in a bra} Here's a picture of my wife. Tell her I love her and I'll be late for dinner. {goes limp in Stimpy's arms, then suddenly springs back up} Do me another favor, would ya, kid? Pick up my prom dress at the dry cleaner. {goes limp and seemingly dies, only to pop back up again two seconds later} Listen, kid! You gotta do me a favor!

Stimpy: Sure. Anything.

Muddy: Skip me one last time. I'd like to out...bouncin'.

{Stimpy tosses Muddy and he bounces down the road and into the horizon}

Stimpy: {satisfied} Ahh, he went with dignity.

{Wipe transition to Stimpy waiting at the bus stop. The bus stops with Muddy splattered on the grill. Stimpy steps inside the bus.}

Muddy: D-D-Do me a f-f-favor, wwwwould ya?

{The bus departs from the stop. Fade out. Fade in to a scene inside Ren and Stimpy's house. Stimpy opens the door.}

Stimpy: Oh, Ren. I'm home.

Ren: And just where have you been? I was up all night sleeping like a baby worrying about you.

Stimpy: Oh, I've just been a perilous journey down the treacherous carcass-strewn avenue of despair.

{Ren gets a confused look on his face}

Stimpy: {dramatic} You know what, Ren? I looked Death right in the eye, and it smelled like cheap cigars and stinkyfish. You see, Ren, life is like a bowling alley. Oh, you make some strikes, if you're lucky, a couple of spares, and nobody knows how to keep score, but in the end, you gotta rent ill-fitting, smelly shoes that squeak.

{Ren looks down to find that he is indeed wearing a mismatched pair of bowling shoes}

Stimpy: In other words...Say you're on a southbound train out of Chigago headed to Rapid City traveling at 50 miles an hour...

Ren: {crying} STOOOP!!! YOu"RE TEARING MY HEART OUT. I see it all now. You've shown me the light.

{Gas starts filling the room.}

Ren: We don't have to fear death because...

Both: ...death is life's great reward!

Ren: Wait here! {zips out of the room and comes back with a cupcake with a candle on it} Let's celebrate the first day of our eventual demise. I'll light the candle. {holds up a lighter}

{Cut down to the basement to reveal that the pipe Stimpy smashed before is leaking gas throughout the whole house. A chior singing "Amazing Grace" is faintly heard as we cut to outside the house and hear Ren flicking the lighter offscreen. The chior suddenly stops just as Ren lights the fire. A second later, the house explodes with a loud "KA-BOOM". Fade to outside the gates of Heaven, where the Announcer Salesman is standing guard at the gates. A bus pulls up to the gates and Ren and Stimpy, now angels, step out of the bus in front of the gates.

Salesman: Welcome, Mr. Hoek and Mr. Cat! {checks his records} Hmm...Tisk-tisk-tisk. These records don't look very good. Gosh, you know, I'd really like to telp you out.

{Stimpy gets an idea. He whispers something into Ren's ear, and Ren pulls out a $5 bill.}

Ren: Uh, perhaps we could, uh, perduade you?

Salesman: Money's no good here. I'll tell you what we could use, though. An divan, an armoire, a chifferobe...

{Ren and Stimpy look at each other in awkwardness as the Salesman talks. The cartoon closes with two irises on both Ren and Stimpy, and we still hear the Salesman talk for a few more seconds.}

Salesman: ...an arrmoire, a heppelwhite, a footstool, a hubblehutch, a cosack, a bidet, brass andirons...

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