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Stimpy's Big Day (transcript)

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Stimpysbigday

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{Theme plays}

{Open to a shot of the living room of Ren and Stimpy's mobile home. Stimpy is sitting in his litterbox, happily watching TV. His eyes bug in and out after a cartoon sound effect plays in the show he's watching. Ren appears next to him with his hands on his hips and looking angry}

Ren: Look at you, man! {He hits the palm of his hand with his other hand} You're a full-grown cat still watching cartoons! Why, you're three years old! Do you know what that is in human years?

{Stimpy bows his head in shame. Ren looks guilty, then grabs the top of Stimpy's head and raises his face up}

Ren: Oh, listen to me, man. I'm your friend. {He pulls the top of Stimpy's head off, exposing Stimpy's tiny brain on a silver pedestal} Don't you know cartoons will ruin your mind? {He picks up Stimpy's brain with his thumb and forefinger. The pedestal sinks down} Look what it's done to your brain!

{Ren drops the brain back into Stimpy's head and water splashes out when it lands. Ren pulls Stimpy's nose down like a handle and the sound of a toilet flushing is heard. He puts the top of Stimpy's head back, which shakes back and forth as the flushing continues. It finally stops and Ren jiggles Stimpy's nose to make sure. On the TV screen, a spotlight on a curtained stage is shown and theme music begins to play. Stimpy excitedly grabs Ren by the neck and lifts him up}

Stimpy: EEEEEEEE!!! {He looks at Ren and puts a finger to his lips} Shh!

{Stimpy tosses Ren aside and returns his attention to the TV}

Announcer: And now kids, it's time for... "The Muddy Mudskipper Show"!

{"The Muddy Mudskipper Show" title card is shown and the theme song plays. Stimpy taps his foot and snaps his fingers to the music. Muddy Mudskipper dances on the screen, then flops around on his stomach and back around a pond and mud, then pops up arms-outstretched}

Singers: Who's the greatest mudskipper of them all? Who can skip through the mud with the greatest of ease? What kind of wonderful guy? Who can crawl like a dog without scraping his knees? Who's got seg-ment-ed eyes? It's Muddy! Mud-Skipper! It's Muddy! Mud-Skipper! It's the Muddy! Mu-ud Ski-pper show!!!

{During the song, Stimpy happily rocks forward and backward in the litterbox. Towards the end, he dances in a party hat. He hops up and down on all fours, then rolls around during the last verse. He stands grinning, hands clasped, as the background changes color with the last few notes of the song}

Announcer: And now a word from our sponsor!

{Stimpy frowns and sits back down. A bag of Gritty Kitty Litter appears on the screen}

Announcer: "The Muddy Mudskipper Show" is brought to you by Gritty Kitty Litter!

{A commercial for Gritty Kitty Litter plays. A man with a microphone appears next to a Gritty Kitty Litter bag}

Man: Friends, do you use Gritty Kitty Litter? {Stimpy holds up a smaller litterbox full of cat litter as if to say yes} Then you know about it's absorbency. {A litterbox filled with Gritty Kitty Litter appears on the TV screen with scent lines coming from it} It's fragrance! It's like the smell of fresh bison! 

{Stimpy picks up a handful of litter and smells it. On the screen, a blob of litter hits a wall and slowly slides down}

Man: It sticks to any surface! It's great as a between-meal snack! {Stimpy nods} And how 'bout that wonderful feeling you get when you squish it between your toes?

{Stimpy is shown grinning with cat litter on his feet and squishing it with his toes}

Man: {holding up a Gritty Kitty Litter bag} So remember folks, if it doesn't say "Gritty Kitty," it stinks! {He flips the bag around to show the bag has a white box that says "Order Form" on the back} And now for all you kitties at home, I'd like to announce a contest! {Close-up of order form} We'd like you to write us a poem of forty-seven million words or less, telling us why you love Gritty Kitty Litter. Whoever writes the best poem will win... {Stimpy starts biting his nails excitedly} forty-seven million dollars, {Stimpy's hands slide into his mouth as he keeps biting} a lifetime supply of goat cheese, {Stimpy's hands slide even further into his mouth} a twelve hour record set of the top hits of the '70's, but best of all... a trip to Hollywood, {Stimpy's eyes bulge and his tongue hangs out} and a guest appearance on "The Muddy Mudskipper Show"!

{Ren quickly runs for cover as Stimpy starts to swell up and then shoots up in the air like a rocket, leaving behind a trail of stars and flames. Ashes and Stimpy's gloves fall and land on Ren.The scene cuts to a study, where Stimpy sits at the desk writing his poem. Ren stands on the nightstand and watches. Garbage pails filled with crumpled paper are scattered throughout the room}

Stimpy: {writing} "Gritty Kitty ain't so pretty, but it's really thick..."

Ren: Oh, you're out of your mind! 

{Stimpy looks up at Ren in shock, then continues writing} 

Stimpy: {writing} "It fills my cat box oh so snug..." {He pauses to think of a rhyming word, then continues} "it always does the trick/ I like to rub it on my toe and squish, and squish, and squish/ It ne'er offends my tender nose..." {He scratches his head with the pencil, then continues with a grin} "like a smelly fish!"

{Ren reaches over and loudly slaps the palm of his hand with his his other hand by Stimpy's ear. Stimpy winces and continues writing}

Stimpy: {writing} "Its texture is a joy to me, it's just as smooth as silk/ It makes my little whiskers twitch..." {He scratches his head with the pencil again}

Ren: {mockingly} It stays crunchy, even in milk.

Stimpy: {gasps excitedly and continues writing} "It stays crunchy, even in milk." {Ren fumes} "I may not be the President, I may not be the Pope/ But as long as I have Gritty Kitty... {He raises his eyebrows three times} I shall never mope!"

{Stimpy beams at his work and holds up the paper to show it off, revealing a lot of scribbles on the page. He stuffs it into an envelope and licks the top. Two stamps appear where he licked it. Stimpy turns and sticks out his tongu​e, which has four stamps stuck to it. Stimpy walks outside to the mailbox and Ren follows him}

Ren: Where are you going? I tell you, these contests are a scam. Nobody ever wins them! Don't be a sucker.

Stimpy: {whining} But I want to meet Muddy Mudskipper!

Ren: Oh, you eediot! He's just a cartoon character, not real. Not flesh and blood like WE! I'm telling you, cartoons aren't real. {Stimpy looks shocked} They're... they're, eh... they're... puppets!

Stimpy: {shocked} YAEEEHH!

{Stimpy looks back and forth between Ren and the mailbox a few times, trying to make a decision. He holds the letter above the mailbox opening, looking at Ren nervously}

Ren: {threatening} If you put that letter in the box, you're a bigger fool than I thought! {Stimpy's hand shakes and he starts sweating} I'm telling you right now, you let go of that letter, I'm going to lose all respect for you! Are you listening?

{Stimpy sweats even more and trembles, but finally drops the letter in the mailbox and closes the hatch. He throws himself at Ren's feet}

Stimpy: Oh, forgive me Ren! PLEASE forgive me! {Ren turns away and folds his arms. Stimpy grabs Ren's leg} I could not help myself!

Ren: Nope. I'm not going to forgive you. {Stimpy tugs hard on Ren's leg} Nope, nope, forget it. No way.

{The scene fades to an outside shot of the mobile home later that night}

Stimpy: Good night, Ren.

Ren: {grumbling} Ugh! Raeregh! Raegh!

{It fades to a scene of the bedroom the next morning. Ren is sleeping at the far left of the bed and a picture of Stimpy is seen on his nightstand. Ren opens his eyes and looks to the right. The camera pans over to Stimpy, who's sleeping at the far right of the bed}

Ren: {guilty} L-listen Stimpy, I, uh...

{Ren flinches and can't bring himself to apologize. The doorbell rings. Ren climbs out of bed and answers the door}

Ren: Yes? What is it?

{The man from the Gritty Kitty Litter commercial and another man holding a camera step inside}

Man: Are you Stimpson J. Cat?

Ren: Oh, you want Stimpy? {He points to the bedroom} Uh, he's in there.

Man: {holding a huge bag of money} Well, would you tell him he's won forty-seven million dollars?

Ren: Right, uh, forty-seven million. I'll get him.

{Ren turns and starts to walk away, then registers what the man said. He turns back and his eyes bug out in shock}

Ren: FORTY-SEVEN MILLION DOLLARS! {He leaps up and grabs the front of the man's shirt} I'M THE CAT! 

{Ren jumps off the man, who faces the audience with a bewildered look on his face. Ren starts batting Stimpy's mouse on a string around, pretending to be a cat}

Ren: See? I'm the cat! {He uses his claws to tear the leg of the man's pants} See? I told you! I'M the cat!

{Ren climbs up inside the man's pants. He sits on top of the man's head and licks his hair. Stimpy walks out of the bedroom in his pajamas, yawning and stretching}

Stimpy: What's up, Ren?

{Ren looks alarmed and jumps down. He glares at Stimpy and points offscreen}

Ren: Nothing, Rover! Go back to your doghouse! 

{The man walks over to Stimpy, stepping on Ren and squishing him in the process. He holds the bag of money over Stimpy}

Man: Congratulations, Mr. Stimpy! Your wonderful poem won first prize!

{Ren leaps up and snatches the bag of money out of the man's hand. He backs up against a corner, guarding the bag possessively}

Ren: It's MY money! I wrote that po-em! Stimpy cheated!

{Stimpy looks shocked and covers his ears. Ren is shown sitting in Stimpy's litterbox, arms outstretched}

Ren: I always use your stinky old litter! Look how I love it!

{Ren scoops up a handful of litter and shoves it in his mouth. He forces himself to chew it, then grins broadly with litter stuck in his teeth. The sound of a car starting plays offscreen. Ren looks around, then goes over to the window and looks outside. A fancy black limo is in front of the house. Stimpy sits in the backseat, surrounded by two beautiful women. Stimpy waves goodbye to Ren as the window rolls up. The limo drives away}

Ren: {angrily shaking his fist} Go on! Get outta here! Who needs ya?

{Ren walks away from the window, fists clenched and scowling. As he walks, his anger turns into sadness and tears brim in his eyes. He falls to the floor and sobs. The scene fades to an establishing shot of Hollywood, with the Hollywood sign and city visible. A caricature of Kirk Douglas' head pops up in front of the sign for a few seconds and sinks down. It cuts to Stimpy standing in the backstage area of a theater, looking at someone offscreen in amazement}

Stimpy: Muddy Mudskipper? I can't believe it! You're my idol!

Muddy Mudskipper: {offscreen} Yeah, yeah, kid, I know. Don't sweat it. Someday you're gonna be big, bigger than me!

{The camera pans back, revealing that Stimpy is talking to the real Muddy Mudskipper} 

Muddy Mudskipper: Stick with me, kid! I was once a lousy bum, just like you. {Stimpy pulls out a clipboard and writes down what he said} I crawled my way up outta the mud to get where I am! You wanna make it in this world? You gotta adapt! {Stimpy writes this down too} Ever breathe oxygen, son? {Stimpy opens his mouth to answer} Good, don't start. Me, I'm hooked! {A drumbeat plays} Get it? {Stimpy opens his mouth, but is cut off again} Shaddup!

{Stimpy looks surprised. A voice blares through an intercom above}

Voice: Five minutes to air time!

Muddy Mudskipper: Well kid, this is your big break! You're gonna be great! 

{A hand reaches over, grabs Stimpy and pulls him offscreen}

Muddy Mudskipper: {smugly} Ya lousy bum.

{It cuts to a dressing room, where Stimpy sits at a mirror. A man roughly combs the three hairs on Stimpy's head. Then he peels off Stimpy's eyes and replaces them with another pair, making Stimpy look more relaxed. Another person powders Stimpy's face. Stimpy ends up covered in powder, which is blown away with a hair dryer. Finally, the man puts a yellow toupee on Stimpy's head and Stimpy sticks out his tongue in exhaustion. It cuts to a close up of a red curtain and introduction music plays. The curtain opens, revealing a nervous Stimpy}

Announcer: There's a new face in Hollywood today! {Stage lights shine on Stimpy} It's fresh, it's redundant! {The camera pans back to show Stimpy standing in a spotlight, in his toupee and a suit} Let's give him a warm welcome, because his whole career depends on this next important message!

{Two cameras and a microphone appear, and the microphone slowly edges closer to Stimpy}

Stimpy: Well, I've been-

{Before he can finish, the microphone gets stuck in his nose. The screen fades to black}

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