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Space Madness (transcript)

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Space madness
{Open to a shot of Ren and Stimpy's living room. The camera zooms in to show Ren and Stimpy sitting on the rug in front of the TV. Stimpy reads the TV guide}

Ren: Well, Stimpy, what's on TV tonight?

Stimpy: Oh, joy! {He grabs Ren and drags him over to see the TV guide} Hey Ren, it's "Commander Hoek and Stimpy"! {He rolls the TV guide back and forth on Ren's head} Happy happy happy! Joy joy joy! {He pushes Ren down} My favorite live-action drama!

{Stimpy gets up and dashes offscreen. Ren weakly sits up, wearing the crumpled TV guide on his head}

Stimpy: Don't let it start! Don't let it start!

{Stimpy returns dressed in a Cadet Stimpy outfit and space helmet. He salutes Ren}

Stimpy: Roger. A-OK. Activate viewscreen. I can't watch this show without my... {He holds up his hand to show off a giant ring on his finger emblazoned with letters and a rotating radar dish} ... trusty Commander Hoek Radar Decoder Ring... {He taps his space helmet}... my official Commander Hoek space helmet. {He reaches down and hikes his shorts up to his waist} Not to mention your genuine Super-Elastic Time Shorts. {He lets go of the shorts and nudges Ren} Bet you don't have a pair of these, Earthling! And... {He raises his helmet slightly and sticks out his tongue. The tongue unfurls to reveal a wad of pink bubble gum. The gum rises up and sticks to the ceiling, pulling Stimpy up as well} ...my anti-gravity bubble gum!

{Ren grabs Stimpy by the ankle and drags him back down to the ground}

Announcer: {offscreen} All systems go! Prepare for countdown!

{Stimpy sits up and the top of his helmet glows. He and Ren turn toward the TV, where spirals emanate out of it. On the TV screen, a rocket is shown about to launch}

Announcer: Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two one! {The rocket takes off and flies into outer space} Blast off to adventure in the amazing year four hundred billion, with Commander Hoek and his faithful companion, Cadet Stimpy! {Inside the rocket, Ren and Stimpy are wearing space suits and helmets and are strapped into their chairs. The rocket zooms through outer space} As they roam the endless uncharted regions of space at speeds so fantastic, they throttle the imagination!

Ren: Prepare to surge to sublight speed. 

{A button on the control panel that reads "Start Sublight Drive" is pressed. An alarm goes off while the rocket begins to shake and lights from the machines flash. Ren and Stimpy tightly grip the handles of their chairs, bracing themselves}

Ren: En...gage. 

{The rocket instantly accelerates. Ren and Stimpy scream in terror}

Ren & Stimpy:  AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGH!!! AARRGGH! AARRGGH! AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGH!!! 

{They keep screaming as the rocket flies through a spiral. Ren is then shown in a room full of machines}

Announcer: You'll see futuristic technologies! {Stimpy is shown strapped to a machine and wearing a giant helmet} Thrilling headgear! {Two pieces of toast spring out from the top of the helmet} Spine-tingling toast! 

{The camera pans to show a landscape of an alien planet and a giant spacesuit}

Announcer: Be there! Scour the spaceways! {His voice becomes distorted} Explore vast alien worlds! 

Ren: {inside of the spacesuit} Come in, Cadet Stimpy. Do you read me? 

Stimpy: {popping up next to him} Cadet Stimpy here. We read you, Roger. 

{A blond man, Roger, pops up as well}

Roger: Roger here. 

{Ren and Stimpy watch TV inside the rocket. Static appears on the circular screen, then a picture of an Indian appears}

Announcer: Okay, space cadets! Prepare to hurtle through the cosmos in today's turgid episode! 

{The picture on the TV is replaced by the title screen for "Space Madness." Dvorak's "New World Symphony-1st Movement" plays}

{A blue rocket flies through space. Inside, the camera pans to show the various machines in the control room. Stimpy is busy working with some levers in front of a screen. Ren sits with a helmet and tube strapped to his head, recording his thoughts into his captain's log}

Ren: {thinking} Captain's log. Commander Hoek here, on a thirty-six year mission to the Crab Nebula. We've made this trip dozens of times. {He stops recording his thoughts and addresses the audience} You know, they say sometimes people go crazy on these long trips. They get the... {He records another thought into his log in a distorted voice} SPACE MADNESS. {He stops recording and faces the audience again, smiling} Heh. Space madness. 

{Stimpy sits patiently at his work station}

Ren: Mr. Science Officer, commence relaxation period. 

Stimpy: Aye aye, Cap'n.  

{The scene fades to show Ren and Stimpy sitting at a circular booth in another part of the rocket. Tranquil lounge music plays in the background}

Ren: Well, it's break time. We're not on duty for another six years. 

Stimpy: So, whaddya wanna do? 

Ren: Why don't we just spend some quality time together? 

{Stimpy nods. The two of them sit quietly, staring at each other and smiling. Detailed close-ups of their faces are shown as ominous music replaces the lounge melody. A rhythmic tapping noise is also heard. Ren glances around, trying to locate the noise. He looks down to see that Stimpy is tapping his finger on the table. Stimpy follows Ren's gaze down to his finger, then looks back up as sweat rolls down his forehead. Ren's eyes show Stimpy's tapping finger and he sweats profusely, annoyed by the sound. Finally, Ren can't take it anymore and slams his hands down on top of Stimpy's hand}

Ren: Do you have to keep TAPPING like that?! {He grabs the front of Stimpy's shirt and screams in his face} You BLOATED SACK OF PROTOPLASM! {He releases Stimpy and glares at him

Stimpy: Hey Cap... ease off. 

Ren: {calm again} Oh, hey... I'm sorry, man. {He sweats and tugs at his collar} I... I've just been cooped up here so long.

{Stimpy stares at Ren curiously, then smiles and pats his hand}

Stimpy: I think we both need a good hot meal. Just hang on, okay? 

{Stimpy leaves and returns with a covered serving platter}

Ren: {eagerly rubbing his hands} Mmmm boy. I'm starving! 

{Stimpy takes the lid off the platter, revealing three tubes of freeze-dried food. The tubes say "Kitty Stew," "Fisherman's Pride" and "Brazed Giblets"}

Stimpy: How about that! A three course meal.  

{Ren blows some air through his lips, then angrily throws his hands up in the air}

Ren: THAT'S IT! {He swipes the tubes off of the table} I need some REAL FOOD!

{Ren bangs his head against the table three times and crouches down behind it, growling and shaking}

Stimpy: {concerned} Relax, Cap'n. {He puts his arm around Ren, who is crying into his hands} I'm here for you. {He lets Ren cry on his chest} Let it out. That's right. Hey! I know what you need!

{Stimpy picks Ren up. The scene transitions to a shot of the rocket's bathroom, where a bathtub is being filled with hot water. The camera pans to the right to show Ren and Stimpy standing under some shower heads}

Stimpy: Yes sir, a good hot bath is the best thing for nerves.

{Ren takes off a towel around his waist and gives it to Stimpy. Stimpy mischievously twists the towel and slaps Ren on the butt with it as he starts to walk away. Ren scampers over to the bathtub with his hands on his backside}

Ren: Ow! Hey! Cut it out! {He gets into the bathtub and gently splashes the water with his hand. He relaxes and slides down on his back into the water} Ahhhh...

{Ren squirts some water out of his fist. He quickly looks around and sinks down deeper into the water. Some bubbles appear and Ren raises his head, grinning}

Stimpy: I'll turn off the gravity. It'll help you relax.

{Stimpy presses a button on the wall}

Ren: What a pal. {He grabs a bar of soap that floats up off of the soap dish} Ahhhh. This is the good life. Just relax... and let my mind drift. {He rises up in a block of water and hovers over the now empty bathtub} Yeah... I'll just lie back, and think pleasant thoughts. {A pie appears by his head} Chicken pot pie... {The pie vanishes and some chocolate-covered raisins appear} Chocolate-covered raisins... {The raisins vanish and a ham appears} Eh... glazed ham! {The ham vanishes} Ohhh!

{The block of water begins to float away from the bathroom and past Stimpy at the controls. Ren begins laughing to himself and talking to the bar of soap}

Ren: They think I'm crazy, but I know better. It is not I who am crazy. It is I who am MAD! Didn't you hear them? Can't you see the crowds?

{Stimpy pauses and and listens to Ren's crazy statement, but then shrugs and continues working}

Ren: {holding the soap with his feet} Oh, my beloved ice cream bar...{He grabs the soap with his hands}...how I love to lick your creamy center! {He takes three large bites of the soap and eats it. Soap bubbles start to flow out of his mouth} And your oh-so-nutty chocolate covering! {He floats behind Stimpy again} You're not like the others. You like the same things I do. Wax paper...boiled football leather...DOG BREATH! 

{Stimpy's expression grows more concerned and fearful as he listens to Ren go on with his ramblings. He finally turns around and stares at Ren in shock}

Ren: We're not hitchhiking anymore! We're RIDING!

Stimpy: Stop it. You're talking crazy.

{Ren looks up and his eyes widen, his pupils briefly becoming crosses. His eyes go back to normal as he glares at Stimpy and hugs the soap to his chest} 

Ren: Oh no! {He points at Stimpy accusingly} I know what you want! You coveteth my ice cream bar!

Stimpy: Come on now.

Ren: No you don't! You can't take it from me now! {The block of water tilts upward. Ren holds the soap close to his head and starts tearing up} I have had this ice cream bar since I was a child! People... always trying to take it from me! WHY WON'T THEY LEAVE ME ALOOOOOONE?!? 

{Ren mashes his fists on the block of water, which splashes into little dots of water floating in the room. Ren backs up against a corner of the room as Stimpy tries to calm him down}

Stimpy: E-easy now.

Ren: BACK OFF, MAN!

{Ren foams at the mouth and eyes a toothbrush on the table next to him. He grabs it and holds it in front of him like a weapon}

Ren: DON'T MAKE ME USE THIS! ONE STEP CLOSER, I'M WARNING YA! DON'T MAKE ME USE IT! {Stimpy takes a step forward} Now you've done it! YOU FORCED ME TO USE IT!

{Ren sports a large, crazy grin and proceeds to slowly brush his teeth, which makes a loud squeaking sound. Stimpy leaps onto Ren}

Stimpy: Hiii-ya!

{They struggle: Stimpy tries to hold Ren down and Ren tries to push him away. Stimpy manages to pin Ren down on the floor and holds his arms in a tight grip. Ren goes berserk trying to escape Stimpy's clutches, but then stops with a mournful look on his face}

Ren: I'm hurting...

{Ren drops down defeated and passes out}

Stimpy: {sadly} You poor, crazy kid!

{Stimpy holds Ren's head up to his chest. The scene fades to a shot of Ren using the helmet to record more thoughts into his captain's log. He has five o'clock shadow and bags under his eyes}

Ren: {thinking} Captain's log. I'm tired... so tired. I can't believe my own partner attacked me. {Stimpy works at the controls. Ren looks at him suspiciously} Maybe... if I occupy his mind... with more duties... I can control his... {His voice becomes distorted as before} SPACE MADNESS.

{Ren turns his head to the side and grins evilly. The scene fades to a shot of a giant laser in another part of the rocket. Mussorgsky's "Night On Bald Mountain" plays. The camera pans down to show Ren and Stimpy inside of a glass dome with a tube leading to the laser, standing in front of a table with a red button on it}

Ren: Now listen, Cadet. I've got a job for you. {He points to the button with a crazy smile on his face} See this button? {Stimpy prepares to push the button, but Ren slaps his hand away} DON'T TOUCH IT! {A close up of the button is shown, with a label above it reading "History Eraser Button"} It's the History Eraser Button, you FOOL!

Stimpy: {nervous} So what'll happen? 

Ren: {pulling Stimpy closer to his face} That's just it! {He releases Stimpy and shrugs} We don't know! Maaaaybe something bad... {Stimpy looks shocked. Ren makes a dainty pose} ... maaaaybe something good! {Stimpy purses his lips quizzically as Ren shrugs again} I guess we'll never know! 'Cause YOU'RE going to guard it! You won't touch it, will you? 

{Stimpy salutes Ren. Ren leaves, drooling slightly and laughing to himself. Stimpy pulls out a ray gun starts to march in front of the table, but glances over at the button. The camera zooms in on the button, as though tempting Stimpy to come closer. Stimpy realizes what he's doing and continues marching back and forth in front of the table, but can't keep his eyes off the button}  

Announcer: Oh, how long can trusty Cadet Stimpy hold out? How can he possibly resist the diabolical urge to push the button that could erase his very existence?  

{Stimpy trembles and sweats as he tightly grips his ray gun to hold himself back. The Announcer stands next to him, egging him on}

Announcer: Will his tortured mind give in to its uncontrollable desires?

{Stimpy squeezes the ray gun so hard that it shatters. He flings himself against the table, staring transfixed at the button as the Announcer keeps talking}

Announcer: Can he withstand the temptation... {He picks Stimpy up and holds him over to the button} ...to push the button that, even now, beckons him closer? {He sets Stimpy on the table and pushes his head towards the button} Will he succumb to the maddening urge to eradicate history? {He pounds his butt down on Stimpy's head to force him even closer} At the MERE PUSH of a SINGLE BUTTON! {He rolls Stimpy on the table like a rolling pin} The beeyootiful shiny button! {He forcefully pushes Stimpy's head toward the button again} The jolly candy-like button! Will he hold out, folks? CAN he hold out?

{Stimpy can't take it anymore and breaks free from the Announcer's grip, sending him flying offscreen}

Stimpy: NO I CAN'T!!! EEEEYAAAAH!!!

{Stimpy opens his mouth wide and pushes the button. An alarm starts to go off. Stimpy falls down and bites part of the table while Ren stands on the other side with his hands clasped, shaking and wearing a crazed expression. The Announcer leans back in}

Announcer: Tune in next week, as...

{Before he can finish, all three of them disappear into a blinding flash of light. The "Ren and Stimpy" title screen appears. The picture of Ren and Stimpy under the logo disappears into the light as well, leaving a gaping hole behind. The screen fades to black} 

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