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Robin Hoek (transcript)

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{Theme plays as the title screen appears: "Stimpy's Storybook Land: Robin Hoek"}

{Open to an establishing shot of Ren and Stimpy's house at night. Through their bedroom window, Ren and Stimpy are praying by their bed. Dvorak's "New World Symphony" plays}.

Stimpy: ... And please bless Grandma and Grandpa...

Ren: ... And please give me a million dollars, and a fridge with a padlock, and {He sighs in pleasure} oh, yeah... huge pectoral muscles.

Stimpy: ... But most of all, please watch out for my best pal, Ren. He's not strong.

Both: Amen.

{They stand up; Ren stretches and yawns and Stimpy scratches himself. Suddenly, Stimpy looks surprised as a small 'pop' is heard. He turns around and covers his mouth in shock; the buttons on the back flap of his pajamas are undone. Ren smiles at this. A closeup of the open flap is shown}

Stimpy: Will you button me, Ren?

Ren: {smiling} Sure thing, pal.

{Ren buttons the flap. Stimpy smiles and wiggles his bottom happily}

Ren: Goodnight, Stimpy.

Stimpy: Goodnight, Ren.

{The scene fades to Ren and Stimpy asleep in bed. Stimpy opens his eyes and looks at Ren, who rolls onto his side. Stimpy nervously bites the blanket, and then taps Ren on the head. Ren's bloodshot eyes snap open and he rolls over toward Stimpy with a crazed look on his face}

Ren: {irritated} What is it, man?

Stimpy: {holding his pillow on his head} Will you read me a- a bedtime story? {He scoots closer to Ren}

Ren: {mimicking} "Read me a bedtime story?" {He settles back onto his pillow} Read it yourself! 

{Ren closes his eyes again. Stimpy leaps off the bed and returns with his litterbox. He rummages through the litter as Ren partially opens his eyes and watches. Stimpy pulls out a book titled "Story" and flips through the pages until he comes to a particular spot}

Stimpy: Oh, this looks wonderful!

{Stimpy turns the open book to the audience. The left page says "Once Upon a Time..." in fancy writing and the right page has an illustration of Robin Hood. Stimpy turns the book back to him and prepares to read, but scratches his head in confusion. A closeup of the pages show that from his point of view, all of the words look like scibbles and symbols. Stimpy looks shocked and tilts the book sideways and upside down, then smiles once he can make out the words. Ren looks exhausted}

Stimpy: {reading} Uh, "Once upon a time, uh, deep in the... Logwood Forest, there lived a..." Uh, let's see, who lived there... Oh yeah! "Robin Hoek!"

{Ren finally falls asleep and snores. A dream cloud appears by his head, showing a forest of trees. He is dressed as Robin Hoek in a green hat, tunic and tights and holding a bow in his hand} 

Stimpy: {narrating} "Now Robin was a brave hero..." {The scene dissolves into Ren's dream and a closeup of Robin} "... and he wore the finest green leotards. But we'll forgive him! For he was the finest archer in all the land!" {Robin expertly tosses the bow into the air and catches it} "And with his trusty bow, he would shoot a..." {Robin reaches into the pouch on his back, then pauses as Stimpy falters} What did he shoot? Oh yeah! "He shot a... a melon into the air!"

{Robin makes a bewildered face and pulls a watermelon out of his pouch. He nocks the melon onto the bow like an arrow, pulls back on the string -with difficulty- and shoots it into the air. He strikes a pose and beams proudly. The watermelon falls back down and breaks on Robin's head}

Stimpy: Yeah, that's it. {Robin shakes off the watermelon and glares in Stimpy's direction} No, no, it wasn't a melon. Uh, what the heck was it? Oh yeah! {Robin reaches into his pouch again, still glaring} "It was a chicken!"

{Robin pulls a live chicken out of the pouch. He nocks the chicken, pulls back on the string and shoots it up. To avoid repeating what happened with the melon, he puts on a knight's helmet to protect his head and blows a raspberry. A black shadow starts to form over Robin as the chicken falls back down}

Stimpy: No, wait. "It was a moose!"

{The black shadow gets bigger. Robin looks up in surprise as a moose falls on top of him and squishes him with the sound of a piano breaking. Cut to Stimpy reading from the book}

Stimpy: {reading} "Now Robin didn't prance around in the woods in his underwear alone. Heavens, no!" {He holds back laughter. Meanwhile, Ren is still asleep and snoring} "He had a band of merry man!"

{The scene dissolves back into the dream. Robin sits on a rock under a tree and plays a lute}

Stimpy: {narrating} "First, there was Friar Chuck."{Stimpy walks up to Robin dressed as Friar Chuck in a friar's robe and a pale, shaven head} "A handsome fellow indeed!" {Friar Chuck smiles and waves} "And then there was Little Brain."

{Stimpy runs offscreen and returns dressed as Little Brain in a brown hat, vest and shoes and carrying a walking stick}

Stimpy: {narrating} "And of course, there was Ransack the Elder..."

{Stimpy frowns and dashes offscreen to change costumes again. He returns as Ransack the Elder in a patched up blue shirt and pants, a long white beard and mustache, and carrying a twisted, wooden cane}

Stimpy: {narrating} "... and Elkhorn the Downtrodden."

{Stimpy dashes off to change again. He returns as Elkhorn the Downtrodden, struggling to pull a yellow tunic over the elk antlers on his head. He succeeds and faces the audience with a goofy smile}

Stimpy: {narrating} "But most beloved of Robin was the lovely Maid Moron..."

{Stimpy's goofy smile gradually droops and he slaps his forehead since he has to change characters yet again. He takes off the Elkhorn costume and runs through the forest}

Stimpy: {narrating} "... who dwelled in a castle far across Logwood Forest." 

{Stimpy runs through a village and up and down three hills to get to a large castle on a hill. He crosses the drawbridge and goes into the castle. A shot of one of the towers is shown and the camera pans up as the sounds of Stimpy running up the stairs are heard. Finally, Stimpy finishes climbing the long rows of stairs to the top room. He opens the door, panting and gasping for breath. He grabs a pink dress and blonde wig off a manequin and puts them on, then stares at himself in a mirror}

Stimpy: {narrating} Oh, you know what? I completely forgot! The last Merry Man! "The Loyal Will Trunchin!"

{Stimpy gasps and looks exhausted, dreading the long run back. He takes off the Maid Moron costume and leaves, running back through the village to the forest. A nighttime shot of the forest is shown. Silhouettes of Robin and Stimpy as one of the Merry Man rise up}

Stimpy: {narrating} "Robin and his band of man were robbers." 

{A scream is heard. Robin and Stimpy are shown robbing a rich man. Robin threatens him with an arrow and Stimpy holds his finger to the man's back like a gun. Robin holds out a bag of money}

Stimpy: {narrating} "They would rob from the rich and give to the... cheerleaders!" {A blonde cheerleader appears} That's not it. {The cheerleader vanishes} Let's see. "They would rob from the rich, and give to the... criminally insane!" {A crazy-looking man appears} No no no. {The man vanishes} "They rob from the rich and, uh... gave to the poor!"

{A poor man appears with his wife and two children. The man takes the money and glances at his family. A cash register sound is heard as the man realizes he's rich now, and he runs off with the money alone. A carriage is shown with the driver looking at something in the forest}

Stimpy: {narrating} "And woe be to the rich that dared to enter Logwood Forest!"  

{Robin leaps out from a bush and aims an arrow at the carriage}

Robin: Reacheth thou for the sky!  

{Stimpy leaps out the bush as well}

Stimpy: Yay! {He pulls out his bow and also aims an arrow} Stick-est them up-est! 

{A prince is shown holding his hands up in surrender} 

Stimpy: {narrating} "And they robbed the evil prince." {The prince drops a bag of money into a sack Robin is holding. A plump, blonde woman is shown also holding her hands up} "And they robbed his evil wife." {The wife drops a pearl necklace into Robin's sack. A cow is shown holding up his front legs} "And they robbed his evil cow."   

{Stimpy holds out a bucket as the cow squirts a stream of milk into it. The scene dissolves to a shot of Maid Moron looking out of a window in the tower at a butterfly}

Stimpy: {narrating} "Meanwhile, in the castle, the lovely Maid Moron was being held prisoner by the evil Sheriff of... uh... Dodge City!"

{George Liquor appears dressed as a cowboy. He rubs his hands together as Maid Moron sits on a stool and stares at him worriedly. Robin flies through the air like a superhero}

Stimpy: {narrating} "So Robin flew to her rescue. But the castle was surrounded by a big moat..." {Robin stares at the moat} "... which Robin had to cross. But was he scared? No way!" {Robin smiles and snaps his fingers} "He was all naked and raring to go!" {Robin takes off his hat and tunic, revealing his muscular chest} "He just dove into that water lickety-split!"

{Robin pulls out his sword and bites down on it. With the sword in his mouth, he dives into the moat and starts swimming}

Stimpy: {narrating} "But it was a dangerous moat..."

{Robin pauses at this and looks behind him. A shadow swims up to him, making bubbles in the water. Robin quickly tries to swim away from it}

Stimpy: {narrating} "...swarming with ferocious..." {Robin sees what appears to be three bald heads pursuing him. He swims even faster} "... man-eating... blood-thirsty... monks."

{The bald heads rise out of the water to reveal three angry monks. They open their mouths, showing their sharp teeth. Robin leaps out of the water flailing and screaming, his eyes popping out of his head, and sprints away. His eyes land in the water and widen in shock at the monks. The eyes sprout mouths and look at each other} 

Left Eye: Kee-ripes, man! Let's beat it!

{The eyes bounce over to Robin, who is running on top of the water, and land back on his face. Robin glances over his shoulder, gasps and quickens his pace. The monks advance, snapping their jaws like crocodiles. They surround Robin and take turns chewing on his head and pulling him underwater. Robin, battered and bruised, manages to escape to dry land. He looks back at the monks while shaking with fear, then falls forward and passes out. The scene fades to Robin kneeling outside the tower while Maid Moron waves down to him from the window}

Stimpy: {narrating} "Once outside the tower, Robin gazed up at his fair damsel." {Robin takes off his hat} "He harkened onto her..."

Robin: {mouthing Stimpy's words} Hark hark!

Stimpy: {narrating} "... harkened he..."

Robin: {with his own voice, bowing} O fairest Maid Moron, let down thy silken hair, thateth I may climb up it.

{A long strand of brown hair descends down. Robin, overjoyed, puts his hat back on and strokes the hair. Little hearts appear and pop above his head. Robin eagerly climbs the hair all the way to the top, where he discovers to his horror that the hair is coming from Maid Moron's nose}

Maid Moron: My hero!

{Robin faces the audience with an uneasy expression. Maid Moron sucks Robin up into the nose and goes back inside. Robin is shown smiling and carrying Maid Moron in his arms}

Stimpy: {narrating} "But alas, lovers bliss was not to be had so easy." {Robin and Maid Moron look shocked} "Nay, for at yon door stoodsth the evil sheriff!"

{The sheriff stands at the door, holding up his hand in anger. Robin leaps forward confidently}

Stimpy: {narrating} "But Robin was alert! In his sprig, he unsheathed his..." Eh... {Robin reaches for his scabbard, but looks annoyed as Stimpy falters} His, eh... w-what did he unsheath? Oh yeah! "His turkey baster!" {Robin pulls out a turkey baster, grinning evilly, and hops toward the sheriff} "And thrust a generous portion of giblet gravy onto he!"

{Robin takes aim and squirts gravy into the sheriff's face. The sheriff stumbles back, covered in gravy}

Sheriff: Thou hast besquirted me, O leotarded one! {He falls over backwards in a faint, then raises his head} The maiden be thine!

{The sheriff passes out. The scene fades to a church, where Stimpy stands at the pulpit dressed as Friar Chuck}

Stimpy: {narrating} "Together at last, they were married."

Friar Chuck: Thou may kisseth the bride.

{Friar Chuck looks around, then leaps down off the pulpit. Robin is shown wearing a top hat and bow tie. Stimpy returns dressed as Maid Moron in a wedding dress and puckers his lips. Robin looks bewildered, realizing that he has to kiss Stimpy. It cuts to a shot of Ren tossing and turning in bed. He wakes up and screams, his mouth wide and distorted}

Ren: AAAAAARRRRRGGHH!!! {He recovers with a smile} Thank goodness it was only a dream!

{Ren wipes sweat off his forehead and looks to the right, but his eyes bug out in shock. Stimpy is asleep holding the book, but is still dressed as Maid Moron. Ren faints and falls out of bed. The screen fades to black}

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