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I Was a Teenage Stimpy (transcript)

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{Theme plays}

{Open on a shot of Bethlehem on the night of the Nativity. A star is shining bright in the evening sky and three wise men and some animals are seen outside the manger. Suddenly, a mail truck speeds into the scene and stops in front of the house. Cut to inside, revealing that this is Ren's house. A bunch of mail is stuffed into the mail slot, which Ren grabs to check over. He tosses away what he percieves as junk until he stops at a magazine.}

Ren: {to himself} Stimpy, Stimpy, Stimpy, Stimpy, Stimpson, Stimpy, Mr. Cat, Mr. The Cat, the Cat, the Cat...HOEK! The latest issue of Husk! For the adult corn lover. {excited} Can't wait to try it out.

{Ren walks to the bathroom carrying the corn magazine. he tries to open the bathroom door, but finds that it is locked. Knowing Stimpy is in there, Ren pounds on the door.}

Ren: STIMPY!

Stimpy: {from inside the bathroom} Don't come in here! {moans}

Ren: Come on, man. I got important business!

{Cut to inside the bathroom. Stimpy is looking into the mirror, jittering and moaning, screaming as he violently convulses. Pimples start popping up on his nose. Ren listens in on Stimpy's groans, curious.}

Ren: What's going on in there?

{Inside the bathroom, Stimpy's convulsions cause him to drop a glass on the floor, breaking it. Ren has enough.}

Ren: That's it! I'm coming in!

{Ren kicks the door open and looks at Stimpy. Stimpy dramatically turns around, and the camera zooms in to show Stimpy's face covered in acne.}

Stimpy: Look, I got pimples, Ren.

Ren: {warm and happy} Oh, Stimpy. I knew this day would come. This is the first sign of cat puberty.

Stimpy: Puberty?

Ren: The blessed transformation into adulthood. Once you are a man, you'll in turn take care of me, catering to my every whim, for the remainder of your natural life. How's that sound?

Stimpy: Uh...Neat.

Ren: Now, wait here. I have something for you. {Ren zips out of the scene and Stimpy covers his eyes in anticipation. Ren reenters carrying a wooden box} I've been saving this till you were old enough. The Hoek family grooming kit. {Opens the box. Several bats fly out of it. Stimpy gasps in happiness. The box contains, among other things, a rusty razor, a broken comb, a human ear and pliers} Been in the family for generations.

Stimpy: {Reaches into the box and picks out the pliers} Can I try?

Ren: Go on. Find a nice ripe one. {Stimpy prepares to squeeze a pimple with the pliers} Gently now. Gently.

{Stimpy squeezes the pliers on a pimple. The pain causes Stimpy to bite part of his tongue off. A white ball of puss starts to emerge from the pimple until is burts out with an cannon fire sound. The puss ball is heard bouncing across the room until it hits Ren offscreen, causing him to scream. Fade to the nect scene. Ren is reading a book titled "From Kitten to Cat", and he has a black eye from getting hit with the puss.}

Ren: Says here, your voice'll change.

Stimpy: {offscreen; voice cracking} Oh really?

Ren: Says you're gonna get clumsy too. {Sounds of breakage and shattering is heard offscreen}

Stimpy: {Carrying a bowl of mush; voice cracking} Yes, Ren. Strange and wonderful THINGS are happening to me. {Places bowl on the table} Here's your mush.

Ren: You know, it's gonna be nice having a man around the house. {Stimpy blushes red as Ren puts a spoonful of mush in his mouth. He chews until he hits something hard in it. He looks down to find teeth floating in the bowl.} Hey, there's baby teeth in my mush!

Stimpy: {spitting out teeth as he talks} I'm sorry, Ren. {His baby teeth, expect for one, fall out}

Ren: Hey-hey, relax, man.

Stimpy: {covering his ears} Don't yell at me! I'm A GOOD BOY!

Ren: I'm not yelling at you, Mr. Sensitive.

Stimpy: I'M A GOOD BOY! {Stimpy's transformation continues. His spinal column grows, making him taller. His remaining baby tooth falls out and large, crooked adult teeth grow from the tooth holes in his gums. Stimpy now looks like a deformed, hunchbacked freak and is breathing heavilly} What's happening to me!?

Ren: It's natural. It's just another growth spurt, buddy. But, your brain will catch up eventually.

Stimpy: {Looks at his hands} I look stupid! I don't wanna grow up! I DON'T WANNA GROW UP! {Runs out of the scene, smashing through several walls offscreen} I DON'T WANNA GROW UP!

{Fade out. fade in to one morning. Stimpy is sleeping. He wakes up and lowers his blanket to find a hair growing out of his chest.}

Stimpy: {happy} A chest hair! My first grown-up possession!

{Stimpy zooms out of the bed and rushes to the bathroom, entering it before Ren could go in. Ren pounds on the door.}

Ren: Hey, you think you have the monopoly on hygene!?

{Stimpy opens the door and gives Ren a bucket to go in. fae out. Fade in to a scene of Stimpy lying on the couch talking on the phone.}

Stimpy: Yeah, Binky's kinda creepy-looking, but when she looked at me today, I coulda died. Hang on a second, would ya? I got another call. {Stimpy presses a button on the phone reciever, whose buttons are blinking for lots of calls on hold} Hoek? Nah, he's busy. He'll get back to ya. {Presses another button} Uh, hello. Is your, uh, refridgerator running? {snickers} Well, let Prince Albert out! He'll suffocate! {laughs} Ya hold? {Presses another button} Oh, I know. The old man's such a pill. Hey, psst! Ix-nay on the erk-jay. He's itting-say on the ouch-cay. {giggles}

Ren: {Looking impatient, reading a book titled "Discipline"} Heh-heh...It's just a phase.

{Later, it appears that Stimpy has shedded his skin and the remains are string all over the house. Ren picks a skin up.}

Ren: Stimpy's sheded skins...strewn all over the house! This pubescence has got to stop!

Stimpy: {zips onto the scene} Hey, Ren, you wanna go out this afternoon?

Ren: {touched} Out? Why, I'd love to. {smiles}

Stimpy: {deadpan} Good, cause, uh,  I'm having some friends over and I'm embarassed of you.

{Stimpy walks out of the scene, Ren's smile is frozen from the shock. Later, Ren approaches the door to Stimpy's room with drinks for Stimpy and his friends, who are laughing inside with music playing. He notices writing on the door reading "NO CHIHOAHUAS"}

Ren: {reading} No...chi...hahas. Kid talk. I'm hep to that. {knocks on the door}

Stimpy: {opens door; pokes head out} Yes?

Ren: Hey, like, I thought you cool cats would might like to partake og some groovy beverage.

{Stimpy swipes the drinks and shuts the door. The music and laughter resume. Ren laughs nervously and knocks on the door again. Stimpy opens the door. During the talk, Ren's head bobs up and down to see Stimpy's friends, but Stimpy's head bobs up and down to block his view.}

Ren: Heh, I sure would like to meet your...way-out...groovy...daddy-o chumleys. {Ren manages to slip into Stimpy's room}

Stimpy: {embarassed} These are my friends from school. everybody, Ren. Ren, everybody.

{Stimpy's friends are shown to be a pair of overgrown, thuggish delinquents. One is tattooing something on his pal's back}

Thugs: Hi, Mr. Hoek.

{It turns out that the tattooing thug is crossing out the many school on a "Class Of" chart on his pal's back, implying they were held back a lot. Ren is furious.}

Ren: Delinquents! I KNEW IT! You and you, home!

Thug: Uh, you're not gonna call our parents, are you?

Ren: OUT! {The thugs run out scared. Ren angrily confronts Stimpy} And you, I've had it up to here with your phases. You are NOT to leave this room until you're a full-grown adult!

Stimpy: You ain't the boss of me!

{Ren angrily shoves a bar of Sudzo soap into Stimpy's mouth}

Ren: You're grounded! Forever! {angrily slams the door on his fingers}

Stimpy: {Soap still in his mouth} You ain't the boss of me.

Ren: {offscreen} I heard that!

Stimpy: I hate you.

{Fade to Ren in the living room watching old black-and-white home movies of a baby Stimpy on a projector}

Ren: They grow so fast. Seems like only yesterday. Throwing the old bean...

{In the movie, Ren tosses a football into baby Stimpy's mouth. Stimpy cries and starts sucking on the ball. Ren furiously takes the ball out of Stimpy's moputh and slaps him, making him cry. Exasperated, Ren puts the ball back into Stimyp's mouth, and Stimpy resumes sucking on it.}

Ren: Aw, look, how cute. Here, kitty kitty. Little tykester.

{While Ren is watching the home movies, Stimpy silently sneaks behind him and into his room. He opens Ren's underwear drawer and pushes away the underwear to reveal Ren's collection of Husk magazines}

Stimpy: {enchanted} Huuuusk.

{Stimpy takes the magazines and giggles in accopmlishment. Stimpy hears a noise and looks around for Ren, then senses it's okay to move. Stimpy silently sneaks back into his room carrying the magazines without disrupting Ren. In his room, Stimpy takes one of the magazines and takes a small peek inside. He giggles and opens up the magazine to reveal a centerfold depicting a cornstalk. As he looks, hair ghrows on Stimpy's back. Afterward, Stimpy starts ripping the pages out the magazines, licking them and pasting them on his body, all while laughing manically. Cut to inside Ren's room; Ren enters pondering.}

Ren: Maybe I was kinda hard on the little lad. I'll make it up to him next year. {Ren's eyes bug out at something on his dresser. He notices that his "security system" depicting a hair taped to strips of tape on two drawers has teen set off, indicating that his drawers were opened} Someone has breached my security system. {Opens his drawers and sees that his corn stash is gone} My secret stash...perpetrated! STIMPYYYY! Going through another man's DRAAAAWERS! {Furiously starts to march toward Stimpy's room; speaks to the viewer} I should have done this back in scene 36. {Removes a swordfish trophy from his wall and brandishes it} THIS'LL LEARN YA! {Ren knocks Stimpy's door down with the swordfish and searches around} Where are ya...you little THIEF!? {Ren searches and looks up; he sees something that causes him to slow down his speech} And what have you done with my maga...zines...oooh...zee...?

{The camera pans up to reveal that Stimpy used the corn pages to encase himself in a makeshift cocoon hanging from the ceiling.}

Ren: {amazed} He's gone into the pupa stage, from which he'll emerge a grown man. {suddenly angry} WELL, THAT AIN'T GONNA SAVE YA! {Mexican music plays as Ren whacks the cocoon with the swordfish. This causes the pupa to start breaking open. A large, muscular figure emerges and faces Ren, who is fuilled with joy} You're all grown up.

{Cut to a full shot revealing that Stimpy now looks like a buff superhero, complete with cape and "S" on his chest. Stimpy looks at Ren as he talks, with his super vision making him see Ren's muscles, then his skeleton.

Ren: And now, I have a man to take care of me in my dotage, do odd jobs, feed me, bathe me, gently wipe the drool from my chin.

Stimpy: Sorry, the world need me. Thanks for all the grub, old man. I'll call when I need money.

{Stimpy prepares to take off, ripping his pants in the process, and flies out of the room, leaving a giant hole in the wall. Ren starts running after him}

Ren: Wait!

Stimpy: {flying} I'll write if I learn how!

Ren: {Starts crying; speaks to the viewer} They grow so fast, then leave ya. You just hope you raise them right.

{Ren starts waving goodbye to Stimpy as he flies toward the sun. The iris starts to close in on Stimpy, but stops as Stimpy flies too close to the sun and burns up. The iris closes.}

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