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Fire Dogs (transcript)

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{Theme plays. A blaring siren and the sound of dogs barking mixes in with the music}

{Open to a shot of Ren and Stimpy walking down a city street looking tired and hungry. Ren drags his feet as he walks and Stimpy pulls a red wagon behind him, jerking it closer to him every few steps. They cross the street in this manner before Ren stops and turns to Stimpy}

Ren: {sadly} Stimpy, old pal. I can go no further. I feel I shall die. {He holds his empty stomach} I've had not a thing to eat for so long, I care not to think.

{Stimpy frowns in concern, then bends down and takes something out of his wagon}

Stimpy: {holding a crumb between his thumb and forefinger} Take this morsel. It may not be much, but it is all that I have.

{Ren takes the crumb and holds it up, his pupils widening. A close up of the crumb is shown, revealing it has a fly and strands of hair stuck to it. Ren tosses the crumb into his mouth and chews it forcefully. He swallows the crumb and smiles}

Ren: That was delicious, Stimpy! What was it? {He picks at his teeth with his finger}

Stimpy: It was my last grain of litter. {He points to his wagon, which is actually his litter box on wheels} Ah, I'd been saving it for weeks.

{A foghorn sounds. Ren's body stretches up and he screams, his mouth wide and his tongue hanging out}

Ren: AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGH!!! {He shrinks back down and spits a few times. He glares at Stimpy and growls, his fists clenched} Aggggghhhh... {He pokes Stimpy's chest} YOU!

{Ren angrily picks up the litter box and smashes it down on Stimpy's head. Stimpy takes the dented litter box from him and frowns sadly}

Stimpy: You broke it, you broke it! My first material possession!

Ren: Maybe now you'll keep your stinkiness to your-

Stimpy: {pointing to something behind Ren} Look, Ren! {He twists Ren's head so he can see it} We're saved!

{A poster is shown of a Dalmatian dressed in a firefighter's outfit and pointing down at them. The poster reads "FIRE DOGS NEEDED! GOOD PAY BENEFITS. ONLY DALMATIANS, PLEASE"}

Ren: {reading} "Fire dogs needed. Benefits, good pay." {They're shown to be standing next to the fire station} Oh, Dalmatians only.

Stimpy: What's a Dalmatian, Ren?

{Ren smiles and holds up a hand to stop him, then grabs something offscreen. He holds up a can of white paint with black spots labeled "Dalmation Paint." He dips a paintbrush into the can and paints Stimpy completely with one stroke, making him look like a Dalmatian. He paints himself as well, gets rid of the can, and holds up a mirror}

Ren: Take a look for yourself, man. {Stimpy looks at himself in the mirror} What do you see?

Stimpy: Ugly black spots.

Ren: Good. Now shut up and look stupid.

{Ren tosses the mirror away, then knocks on a door of the building labeled "Chief." The door opens and the Fire Chief angrily pops out brandishing an axe. He towers over Ren and Stimpy and slams the axe into the ground next to them}

Fire Chief: {holding his hand under his chin} I've had it up to HERE with the likes of you people! {He points at them accusingly, then takes a closer look at them and calms down} Oh! I'm sorry. {He makes a square with his hands} I thought you were circus midgets.

{Distorted science-fiction music plays as Ren and Stimpy exchange glances}

Fire Chief: {standing with his hands clasped} Now, what can I do for you, hmm? {He bats his eyelashes daintily}

Ren: Your troubles are over. It is we who are your fire dogs.

Stimpy: But Ren, I'm a cat.

Ren: {nudges Stimpy} Shut up, you fool! {He grins at the Fire Chief innocently and motions for him to come closer to whisper in his ear} Don't listen to him. He's a good man, but he's not quite right in the head. {He twirls his finger around the side of his head}

{The distorted music plays again as the Fire Chief sneaks a glance at Stimpy, then turns back to Ren}

Fire Chief: {whispering} I've known fellers like that. {He straightens up and smiles at them} Well, boys, you've got yourselves a job.

Ren & Stimpy: {delighted} YEE!

Fire Chief: {pounds his chest} But you're gonna WOOOORK!

{It fades to a shot of Ren and Stimpy in their new room at the fire station. Stimpy jogs in place wearing a firefighter's helmet while Ren relaxes on top of their bunk bed. Stimpy runs down the stairs to the bottom floor, then jumps onto the fireman's pole and slides back up to the bedroom. He jumps off and repeats the process twice. Ren watches him, his eyes following his movements, and gradually becomes annoyed}

Ren: Now cut that out! {Stimpy's footsteps screech to a halt. Ren pulls out a cup of coffee and grabs a doughnut from a plate next to him} Relax, man. Do you know what the odds are against there ever being a fire? A million to one! {He dips the doughnut in his coffee} Take it from me, I know what I'm talking about.

{Just as Ren is about to eat the doughnut, the fire alarm above him starts ringing. Ren leaps up in fright}

Ren: WHOA!

{Ren runs in place in the air, then jumps down and hides under the bed. Stimpy runs up to the bed excitedly}

Stimpy: Oh joy!

{Stimpy pulls Ren out and dashes off with him. It cuts to a shot of the Fire Chief driving the fire truck down the street with the siren blaring. The camera pans to the left to show Ren and Stimpy riding in the back of the truck dressed in firefighter jackets and helmets. Stimpy sits in the car seat while Ren clings to the back of it, his body blowing in the wind. They arrive at an apartment building that has smoke and flames billowing out from the windows of one floor. Ren and Stimpy run over with the fire hose and look up at the building while a gathering crowd screams at the sight. The camera pans up the building to the burning apartment. A woman, Mrs. Buttloaves, peers out from a window and frantically waves down to them}

Mrs. Buttloaves: Oh, please! Save my baby!

{Ren and Stimpy sprint over with a safety net and hold it ready, moving forward and back until they get in the right spot}

Ren: {calling up to her} Okay lady, let her go!

{Mrs. Buttloaves carefully throws her baby out of the window. Ren and Stimpy wait for the baby to land, but suddenly look alarmed as he gets closer with a large shadow forming over them. The surprisingly giant baby lands on top of them, completely unharmed. Ren and Stimpy manage to pick up the baby and carry him to safety while he smiles and giggles. They run back with the net as Mrs. Buttloaves holds Mr. Horse out of the window}

Mrs. Buttloaves: Save my horse!

{Mrs. Buttloaves throws Mr. Horse down to them. Mr. Horse looks down at the dizzying view of the city as he falls and screams in fright. He squishes Ren and Stimpy with his hind legs when he lands and then falls flat on his stomach, gritting his teeth and grimacing. He slowly starts to crawl away and groans in pain, his hind legs injured from the landing. He flops down and blinks back tears before raising himself up again, letting out a snort of exhaustion. He inches closer to the crowd, still groaning, while a short man watches him}

Mr. Horse: AUGH! It hurts! I can't stand it!

Man: Excuse me, Mr. Horse. What are your feelings about that fall?

Mr Horse: {calmly rests his chin on his front leg} Hmmm... {He looks up, taps his hoof on the ground, and swishes his tail as he thinks} Hmm. No sir, I didn't like it. {He resumes crawling away in pain} Oh, my god... it hurts!

{Mrs. Buttloaves holds a walrus wearing a bowler hat out of the window}

Mrs. Buttloaves: Save my walrus!

{Mrs. Buttloaves throws the walrus down. Ren and Stimpy try to run out of the way, but the walrus falls on top of them. Mrs. Buttloaves holds an elephant out of the window}

Mrs. Buttloaves: Save my elephant!

Ren: {angrily throws the safety net aside and fold his arms} Humph!

{The elephant falls down and squishes Ren and Stimpy. He sits up, then looks behind him to see that they are stuck to his back. He clenches his fists and squeezes the muscles in his back until they pop off}

Mrs. Buttloaves: {waving her arms wildly} Save me!

{Stimpy grabs Ren, holds him over his head, and sprints over to the fire truck. He puts Ren on the turntable ladder and quickly cranks him up to the window. Ren clings to the ladder for dear life as it rises and screams through gritted teeth. Stimpy pulls back on the crank hard to slow the ladder down once it reaches Mrs. Buttloaves}

Ren: {breathing a sigh of relief} Whew.

{Ren looks down and sees the same dizzying view of the city. The crowd screams again in the background. Ren sways and passes out, falling limp across the ladder}

Mrs. Buttloaves: Oh dear!

{Mrs. Buttloaves bravely picks Ren up and holds him in her mouth. She squeezes herself out of the window and gets on the ladder, making it wobble from her large size. Stimpy struggles to turn the crank before he accidentally gets wrapped around it and tossed out, making it spin out of control and start smoking. Mrs. Buttloaves braces for impact as she plummets down, her butt jiggling and heating up on reentry. The force of her landing causes a small earthquake, making some of the buildings fly up and crumble when they land. Mrs. Buttloaves and Ren are shown laying on the ground next to a small crater where the fire truck's ladder can be seen peeking out. Mrs. Buttloaves puts her head on Ren's chest to listen to his heart}

Mrs. Buttloaves: Oh, my brave little man!

{Mrs. Buttloaves gives Ren mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, making his body inflate and deflate. Ren regains consciousness and raises his head in surprise, quickly pulling away from her. A close up of Mrs. Buttloaves' face is shown with the sound of a coyote howling to show how grotesque she looks. Ren's eyes bug out in shock}

Ren: AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGH!!!

{Ren spazzes and passes out again. Mrs. Buttloaves frowns in concern, then looks up at the sound of a helicopter. A helicopter rises into view with Stimpy in the pilot's seat. He flies above the burning apartment with a giant bag of Gritty Kitty Litter strapped to the bottom of the helicopter. He takes aim with the controls, then pulls a lever back with all his might. The bag unzips and the cat litter falls onto the apartment building, instantly putting out the fire. Stimpy sighs with relief and flies back down. Mr. Horse, the elephant, and the baby pop out from one of the giant piles of litter on the ground. The Fire Chief runs up to Ren and Stimpy, the shoulders of his jacket ablaze}

Fire Chief: You boys are heroes! And I thought you were BUMS! For bravery above and beyond the call of duty, I present you with our highest honor... {He pulls out two golden fire hydrant hats from behind his back} ... the sacred golden fire hydrant HELMETS! Congratulations, boys!

{The Fire Chief puts the helmets on their heads. Ren and Stimpy smile at each other}

Stimpy: I'm so happy, I can hardly contain myself!

Male voice: Neither can I!

{Ren and Stimpy look behind them in shock to see a dog whimpering and holding his bladder. The camera pans to the right to show a line of other dogs in the same predicament, with Mrs. Buttloaves standing at the back of the line. The screen irises out on her face}

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